something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
