If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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