I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
