The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
