life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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