Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
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My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
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i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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