can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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