we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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