It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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