Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
