I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
