My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
