3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
