We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
