Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
