We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
