the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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