I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
