i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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