The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
