Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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