so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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