Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
