So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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