I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
