Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
