hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
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he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
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Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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