i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
is wine microwaveable?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
