Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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