I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
