Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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