he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
