i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
