The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize