I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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