My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i don't like sucking hair
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
