Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
