Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
A bitchslap is in order.
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