I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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