My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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