I'm jealous of your bromance
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
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I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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