so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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