How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
