You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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