Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
