If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
