I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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