I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
