i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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