Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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