My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
