I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
