Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
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I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
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I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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