i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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