Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
