he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize