why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
