If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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