I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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