I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
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you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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