I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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