We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
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I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
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woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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