"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
