when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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