we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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